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Dear (last person you talked to/IMed/SMSed),

I don’t know how to break this to you, but I am __1__. I understand if you want to __2__. I found out __3__ when you __4__ __5__. While I am __6__, I also realised that __7__ __8__. Although __9__, I will __10__.

__11__,
(your name here)

1. What is your favourite colour?
Red – a hot, sexaye hooker
Black – a disgusting blackhead
Green – an evil, mindless elf
Purple – going to celibate
Orange – a gorgeous Sun goddess
Pink – a pretty fairy princess
White – going to heaven
Blue – joining the Power Puff Girls
Brown – a piece of crap
Yellow – burning up
Others – becoming a eunuch
None – marrying Santa

2. What year were you born in?
1881~1890 – go swimming
1891~1900 – walk your dog
1901~1910 – chop off my ass
1911~1920 – shag me senseless
1921~1930 – have an affair with George Clooney
1931~1940 – read the catalogue on bras
1941~1950 – mark all the Wednesdays on the Chinese calendar
1961~1970 – snog Michael Jackson
1971~1980 – run into a parked car
1981~1990 – stare blankly at my ass
1991~2000 – go down on Abraham Lincoln
2001~2008 – buy a flat

3. Which month are you born in?
January – George Bush and Randy Jackson are in love
February – green tea is addictive
March – grass is green
April – outside the asylum
May – Brad Pitt bought Disneyland
June – you screwed Bubbles
July – pigs can fly
August – singing is painful
September – Prince William loves me
October – Universal Studios is a swimming pool
November – Akon and Taylor Swift were behind the bushes
December – gorillas are gay

4. What is your favourite TV show?
My Wife and Kids – crapped on
Hannah Montana – snogged
Party Planner – landed on
Don’t Forget the Lyrics – sang to
I Survived a Japanese Game Show – sat on
Sesame Street – spat on
Survivor – read to
Style by Jury – knocked over
Ben 10 – peed on
Spongebob Square Pants – shagged
Heros – glared at
None – rolled you eyes at

5. What is your mood right now?
Annoyed – Tom Cruise
Angry – a coconut tree
Sad – a baseball bat
Happy – your lifeguard
Bored – your best friend
Excited – Dan Brown
Anxious – a pile of garbage
Depressed – your mother
Emotional – the beggar in the streets
Overjoyed – Geronimo Stilton
In love – Mickey Mouse
Others – Cristiano Ronaldo

6. Which song do you prefer?
Decode by Paramore – ashamed
Miles Away by Madonna – heartless
Love Lockdown by Kanye West – worried
I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry – crazy
Break Even by the Script – miserable
Uncle Mutton by Don and Drew – eager
Perfect by Simple Plan – drowning
Disturbia by Rihanna – irritated
You and Me by Lifehouse – pleased
Hallelujah by Hillsong – screwed
No Air by Jordin Sparks – dying
None – snogging

7. Which animal would rather keep as a pet?
Dog – David Archuleta
Cat – Mariah Carey
Unicorn – Amy Winehouse
Gerbil – Britney Spears
Monkey – David Cook
Squirrel – Daniel Ong
Pig – Bill Clinton
Cow – Angelina Jolie
Donkey – Daniel Radcliffe
Giraffe – Donald Duck
Lion – Robert Pattison
None – Miley Cyrus

8. What is the first letter of your name?
A~B – is in the hospital
C~D – is wearing a blanket
E~F – looks like a flower pot
G~H – is gay
I~J – has a broken spine
K~J – has boob implants
M~N – is blue
O~P – loves flying
Q~R – is screwing around
S~T – a virgin
U~W – 30 going on 6
X~Z – is in love with you

9. What is the last letter in your name?
A~B – Santa Clause lives in your garbage bin
C~D – we had a threesome
E~F – Jason Mraz shagged you
G~H – we are best friends
I~J – Keira Knightley is boobless
K~J – pizzas have anchovies
M~N – Harry Potter is a witch
O~P – the Muttons are gay
Q~R – your boyfriend broke up with you
S~T – you snogged the wrong guy
U~W – you have minty fresh breath
X~Z – dictionaries are interesting

10. Where do you want to go for your honeymoon?
France – forever think of you
Japan – keep you toenails
USA – remember the time we slept together forever
South Africa – always sing you a lullaby
India – dance off beat
The Philippines – never return you your right hand
England – dress you in a Santa Clause outfit
Australia – snog your photograph to sleep
New Zealand – be Schizophrenic
China – sing out of tune
Vatican City – read you bedtime stories every night
None – dream about us together

11. Which piece of clothing do you prefer?
Bra – best regards
Boxers – hope you are in pain
Mini skirt – bidding you farewell
Cargo pants – say bye to your pet gorilla for me
Jeans – singing you songs always
Blouse – hope you hang yourself
Sun hat – go jump off the Causeway
FBT shorts – have fun in jail
Bow tie – thinking of you always
Jacket – screw off
Tail coat – say hi to your parents for me
None – your evil nemesis

Dear Shreya,

I don’t know how to break this to you, but I am a pretty fairy princess. I understand if you want to go down on Abraham Lincoln. I found out George Bush and Randy Jackson are in love when you snogged your best friend. While I am ashamed, I also realised that Amy Winehouse has boob implants. Although Jason Mraz shagged you, I will read you bedtime stories every night.

screw off,
Kellie